The Pain of Loving Him So Much

My beautiful, sweet son is suffering so terribly much. His mind is so full of fears that he is unable to ever rest except when he can reach deep sleep. When we are out of the house he is constantly looking around at all the imagined followers that are "watching" him. If I even hint that he is hallucinating, he gets wildly upset and turns away from me and instantly shuts me out and says that if I don't believe him he feels absolutely alone.

I did believe him about the police watching him. He IS a very suspicious-looking person. He wears all black, has a shaved head, has no visable means of support, stays inside that dark garage for days at a time, and seems not to have any obvious disabilities. I DID see people that seemed to be watching him - but not as obvious as they did about 5 years ago when there were 5 cars of them that watched him and changed positions every 15 minutes. That time he didn't have psychosis yet and he didn't tell me what was going on for 3 weeks. He never thinks I can do anything to help him, but when he did tell me, I went to his house and had him come and sit on the porch with me and we talked about his health and his troubles. I went into his house and his garage and within MINUTES, they all disappeared.

This time he said he got to talk to the "homeless" woman that was always stationed at one of the 2 places he always goes every night - he goes to the Goodwill and ARC drop-offs to check for stuff. He has seen her ever since his house burned and he has always been kind to her. He bought her coffee and gave her a sleeping bag. But that night he got to talk to her all night and told her all his mental problems. She disappeared the next night and hasn't been seen since - AND he hasn't been watched by the police ever since.

BUT 2 days ago he said now he's being followed by other people. He doesn't know who they are - he thinks they may be a neighborhood vigalante police group of men who are unemployed and don't have anything to do or maybe some gay people who are interested in him, or maybe his annoying neighbors who like to torment him just for fun.

There is NO place where he is "safe" - even MY bedroom. He comes over about 9 at night when his day starts to talk to me before I go to sleep. Last night the electricity went off and he said he saw a flash light outside flashing at him through the window and that it was his neighbor who always flashes a light in the trees to torment him. Of course he didn't admit that it could be the neighbors using their flash light because the electricity was off.

SO - I have been having panic thoughts in the middle of the night because I am realizing he is so out of control and it's so big and complicated that I am completely unable to help him. Under his black clothes he is still his sweet "little boy innocent" self. He is completely peaceful and kind, compassionate and caring. He is strangely naive because of all his learning disabilities. He can't do many normal things like get a car licensed or get an insurance policy or find a counselor. My husband and I have always had to do those things for him. He is 36 and he doesn't even know that he doesn't know how to do those things. He is brilliant doing any kind of woodwork or electrical work.


Normally a woman can look to her husband for wisdom, strength, and help. My poor, dear husband is so overwhelmed and depressed that he just can't handle it. His job takes all of his energy and Alex spends way too much money on his hypochondriac superfood drinks and vitamins and cleaning supplies to live in a garage with no facilities but hose water. (crazy sentence)

Three weeks ago I finally told him that he has to come home to get well. That is so traumatic for him that his mental fears are worse than ever. I have to be as patient and tactful as a saint to keep him from falling and shattering to pieces.

When I try to talk to my daughter to get some understanding and support and if I mention that he thinks he is being followed, she just says she can't even talk to me if I allow him to say that without challenging him on it. So I don't talk to anybody - except Blogspot.

I need to go fix dinner.